THE SCROTAL CLEANLINESS SERMON OF ST. PATRICK

Would you believe that St. Patrick himself was a devoted supporter of all things ball health? Considering his flair for missionary work, it’s actually not that surprising that he would advocate for scrotal cleanliness – it’s next to godliness, after all. 

Of course, his hallmark achievement and the reason we (are supposed to) celebrate St. Patrick’s Day was his introduction of Christianity to Ireland.  After all, the poor man went through a lot to complete his mission. He was captured and enslaved twice, don’t you know.

But this isn’t a history lesson – not in the conventional kind, anyhow. With St. Patrick’s Day approaching, we at Ballsy wanted to regale you with some never-before-seen records of St. Patrick’s famous sermon on scrotal cleanliness, courtesy of our team of historians.

This is totally *ahem* real, we swear. Without further ado, here is an excerpt from this newly discovered sermon.

So spoke St. Patrick, blessed savior of the Irish people, on April the 4th, 431 AD:

“Just as I drove the serpents from these hallowed hills, so too shall I cast out the scourge of scrotal uncleanliness that befouls the very air around us. For it is only by his unsullied sac that the virtuous man can smell of Godly form. It is only by the sweet and scintillating aroma of freshly washed man-marbles that we can be closer to our maker. So take heed of this message and share it with your fellow man, that all may behold their manhood as a dangling testament to the purity of their souls. And if your ornately scented orbs suffer an odorous decline as you toil humbly in these potato fields, stop and take the time to adorn them with the finest fragrances so that they may wreak of righteousness once more.”

Even as he was establishing churches and schools all over Ireland, St. Patrick never lost sight of the importance of scrotal cleanliness.  

As if this weren’t enough to make St. Patrick one of our favorite historical figures, we also found some awesome limericks that he wrote to promote the topic of ball health among these newly discovered records!

There was a young fellow named Sean,

Whose clackers did smell a bit wrong,

To make them less bitter,

He dunked them in glitter,

On Patty’s and every day on.

There was a young lass named Claire,

Who longed for the smell of clean air,

So she told her dear Jack,

If you don’t wash your sack,

Then I’ll perfume your underwear.

There once was a ship heading north,

Whose crew wreaked a terrible sort,

Each time it dropped anchor,

The water grew danker,

And everyone fled from the port.

To any distant relatives of St. Patrick’s out there, we’re just kidding! No need to be #triggered. We just wanted to spread the gospel of ball cleanliness in true St. Patty’s Day spirit. So, get out there, have fun, be safe, and whatever you do, don’t drink that green beer that’s pumped with food coloring.

Bleh.