The 9 Stages of Social Distancing During Coronavirus

 

What a weird time. Even in the weirdest and darkest of times, though, there is opportunity. We aren’t just talking about investing in Charmin or Clorox, either, because that fear-driven ship has long sailed, you silly gooses. We’re talking about spending a little extra time at home, courtesy of the coronavirus.

If you’re quarantined, whether it’s mandated in your area or self-imposed, you may feel a bit anxious about what comes next. Don't worry, we all do. 

How long will it last?

Will we run out of money?

Will I become weird?

The sudden transition of habit-changing home dwelling can bring about a rollercoaster of emotions and new challenges to deal with. In order to prepare you for this, we’ve consulted our remote workers to bring you the 9 stages of coronavirus quarantine. Enjoy! 

Stage 1: “I get to stay home? Noice!”

When your boss first breaks the news to you that you’ll be spending the next however many weeks at home, you have to try pretend to be disheartened like the rest of us. On the inside, though, you have already regressed to your 12-year-old self. It’s like a really long snow day, and it feels awesome. No commute, no oversharing cubicle-mates, and most of all, no work clothes.

 

Stage 2: “A docuseries about grain silo maintenance? Run that noise!” 

It won’t take long for you to burn through those 4 Netflix episodes that you kept falling asleep in the middle of. Once you’ve watched everything you wanted to watch, you’ll encounter one of the strangest places in the digital world: the bottom of the Netflix barrel. 

Keep an open mind. That’s all we’re gonna say. 

Stage 3: “This is normal right?”

This is when your euphoria starts to wear off. It’s been about a few days, you’ve learned all you care to learn about grain silos, and you’re starting to miss human contact. You begin to miss not only your friends, but the rude cashier at your morning coffee stop and the crazy lady on the park bench too!

It’s great that you have your family, significant other or roommates, but that veil between normal you and “Gary Busey you” is starting to feel thinner and thinner. It’s not the fact that you held a conversation with a plant that’s disturbing. It’s the fact that you didn’t realize you were doing it until you were halfway through. That’s the thing about crazy people…

(They don’t know they’re crazy!)

 



Stage 4: “Gyms are for suckers.”

Believe it or not, the frequent snacking, anxiety, and stir craziness, when combined, create the desire to work out. It’s your body’s way of burning off the “antsyness” and pumping some of those natural anti-depressants into your system.

So, you take a quick inventory of the “equipment” around you in hopes of throwing together an impromptu workout. 1)  You’ve got that box of outdated car cell phone chargers you can use as resistance bands. 2) Throw some jugs of water and canned goods into a backpack and #squatspo !  3) Pull out the pool toys from the attic because folded in half maybe they can double as an exercise “ball”? 🤷‍♂️

Coronavirus Olympics 2020, here we come.

Stage 5: “What is this strange feeling…”

As if this feeling that we almost never feel – missing human contact – isn’t weird enough, something even weirder takes hold:

You miss the office. The coworkers, the sound of the copier, your oversharing cubicle-mates, and even your boss. You miss driving to work, joking around during lunch, and getting in your car to leave. Funny how that works, isn’t it? If you don’t believe us, just wait. Making it to stage 5 is like making it past your partying phase. You never thought you’d see the day, but it comes regardless. 

Stage 6: “Yes, honey, I’m wearing my grocery run chainmail and armor. I’ll be back with toilet paper.”

A mid-quarantine grocery store run brings mixed emotions. You’re elated that you can finally leave the house, but you’re terrified of, well, everything outside of the house. And the best solution that your socially deprived brain can come up with? Wear a ridiculous amount of layers, of course. Gloves in April? Screw it, why not.

This thing is probably going to roll into summer, so you’ll have to get creative with your layering if you don’t want to melt.

Stage 7: “It’s not burned, they call it seared!” 

This is a classic rookie move that you don’t need a quarantine to fall victim to. You see the cooking show and you think, “that looks easy and delicious, I’ll make it tonight!” Or you break out that 5,000-piece puzzle or the crochet needles, perhaps you dust off the ol’ six string and start searching guitar tabs for “Wonderwall” or whatever other hobby it is you think you’ll pick up again out of sheer boredom. 

The kicker? You’ve tried these things before, and you abandoned them because you either didn’t like them or you weren’t good at them. No amount of quarantine is going to change that. But, it should only take you a day or two to realize this, so there’s that!

Stage 8: "Shower? Pshh, nobody is going to see me anyway."

You may notice after some long days of quarantine that you are, let's say, taking a few too many liberties with your hygiene routine.

Not to worry - just look at this as an opportunity to really refresh yourself. You have more time now to really embrace the finer points of your hygiene routine without worrying about being late, after all. In fact, a top-down scrubbing is surprisingly uplifting if you're in a funk! It can make you feel like your old self and then some!

Sure, you could slather on the same old glop, or you could take a "ballsier" stance towards your grand revitalization with our revolutionary line of Ballsy products. Because like us, you like to make even the most routine things a bit more fun. Most things in life are meant to be enjoyed - not muddled through!

Stage 9: “Hm, I never saw it that way before.” 

All jokes aside, there really is a rare and profoundly important opportunity buried amidst all the weirdness that is this quarantine. That opportunity comes from the virtues of being home, being with your family, and being with yourself.

Take this opportunity not to worry and obsessively fill your schedule with too much crap, but to further your passions and develop yourself. Read. Create. Have weird conversations with your family. Ponder things. Think about all you have to be grateful for. Just sit there for ten minutes and do nothing (breath out - “ahhhhhhhhh”) . 

Whatever it is, now is your chance to do it (unless it’s hanging out within 6ft in groups of 10 or more! Don’t do that.) . Seize this opportunity, and you’ll come back all the stronger because that’s what being Ballsy is all about. 

We hope you have a happy, safe, and peaceful break from the roar of daily life.