Believe it or not, the rugged features of a typical Viking actually harbor a very intimate secret: pristine scrotal hygiene.
Indeed, references to Viking baby-makers are deeply woven into their culture.
Undeniably, the mightiest of all these references is Thor’s Hammer.
12 out of 10 historians agree that Thor’s Hammer is actually a Nordic poke at a Viking’s below-the-belt-battle-axe.
Ever wonder why it shoots lightning?
That’s the God of Love Thunder, baby.
And let’s not get started on the World Serpent...
You see, phallic and testicular might was a pivotal part of Viking society, representing virility and prestige.
And having clean balls was the glory of Viking hygiene.
In fact, being worthy of Thor’s Hammer meant that a Norsemen had an impeccably tidy nether-region.
With such an emphasis on clean balls, it was the Vikings who crafted the virtues for modern manscaping and ball hygiene as we know it.
Ballsy recently discovered these virtues and today we reintroduce them to the world!
Virtue #1: Before he courts a maiden fair, a better man will wash his pair
Vikings liked to get decked out with jewels and fancy clothes, especially when it came to dating. But Vikings also gave particular attention to their family jewels before a romantic outing.
Women could reject men who they did not “enjoy”, which would cause their potential suitor a great amount of shame.
So, knowing their manhood was on the line, men would often freshen up their goolies before a hot date with soaps made with charcoal and essential oils.
Building on the sacks of giants, we here at Ballsy honor Viking's wisdom and embrace their simple, natural solution to humanity’s greatest challenge: the smelly scrote.
And that’s how we created Ballwash.
Using a natural blend of activated charcoal, plant extracts, and essential oils, Ballwash leaves you feeling cleansed and smelling as fantastic as the Norsemen of yore.
Ready to Honor Viking Wisdom?
Virtue #2: A moistened crack, such woeful strife, counterattack, with one quick wipe
Vikings believed that ball sweat and stank was a massive distraction on the battlefield. To increase their chances of sweet victory, they carried special scented washcloths and cleaned their boys before a battle.
This virtue was the secret to many successful Viking campaigns – a cool and comfortable Johnson.
Even though you're probably not marching into the face of death, your sack can still get pretty swampy and throw you off your game.
For the times when a shower isn't an option, clean the funk off your junk with a cucumber-and-aloe-infused Quicky wipe.
Now you can finally throw out those paraben and alcohol-laced moist towelettes you keep in your wallet “just in case”.
Because no conquest can be won with swampy balls:
Grab some Quicky Wipes.
Virtue #3: Valhalla bound, we join the club. The Valkyrie call, our nuts to rub
The glory of all Viking warriors was to be seated next to their fallen-brethren in the halls of Valhalla to feast and drink until oblivion.
Of course, even in death, Vikings held true their clean ball virtues.
To carry them into the afterlife they were sent with personal treasures, grooming tools, but also a scented nut balm to use before they called out to the Valkyries.
But unlike the Vikings, you don’t have to wait until post-mortem to jazz up your nuts.
Inspired by the Nordic nut balms, Ballsy introduces Nut Rub, an au natural body cologne worthy of a seat in Valhalla.
A bee’s wax rub infused with coconut and sunflower oil, Nut Rub helps to fight inflammation and skin irritation while leaving your manhood (and the man attached to it) smelling like the gardens of Asgard.
You might not die a Viking warrior, but you can still live like one with your choice of 5 different Nut Rub scents.
“By Odin’s Ball’s!”
Try Nut Rub Today.
The time of the Vikings may be over, but their virtues of scrotal hygiene live on with every bit of activated charcoal, coconut oil, or essential oil destined to a grace a man’s sack.
In the end only one question remains:
Are YOU worthy of Thor’s Hammer?