Introducing Plague Slayer: Earth’s Champion in the War on Goobers
Formed from the heart of a dragon by the elder gods of a long-lost tradition, there lives an ancient warrior who sleeps for centuries in his hidden crypt, only waking to fulfill his solitary purpose in life: slaying all germs!
“Whenever and wherever pestilence shows its sickly form,” whispered Plague Slayer’s creators as they shaped him, “there your sword shall be, raining swift death upon thy goobery foes until the Earth is cleansed once more.”
And slay he most certainly did. A one-man barbarian horde, Plague Slayer has murdered trillions upon trillions of germs throughout history’s worst epidemics, piling them upon pikes as a warning to all who dare oppose him. It is said that as his sword flashes towards your throat, you can catch a glimpse of death himself in its reflection.
We short-sighted mortals may forget the legend of Plague Slayer, as stories of his exploits are lost over the centuries, but not this time. In fact, we at Ballsy embarked on an expedition to find the slayer’s crypt, and have successfully roused him from his slumber.
“What rumpus is this that befouls the sacred silence of my crypt?!” he bellowed. Terrified, we managed to stammer, “Our liege, oh righteous murderer of goobers, please hear our plea. The world needs you once again. Will you help us?” Somehow untouched by dust or grime after hundreds of years in that moldy crypt, the Plague Slayer simply sat up, grabbed his sword and said, “Show me the way.”
And so, for the first time in history, mankind has allied with the Plague Slayer to fight the scourge of germs in the form of our newly launched Plague Slayer hand sanitizer. With our FDA-approved formula and distribution behind him, the fabled murderer of epic creation can fight the coronavirus on a scale even he is impressed by.
What’s in Plague Slayer hand sanitizer that makes it extra lethal to goobers and extra gentle to humans? How about a deluge of germ-crushing ethyl alcohol followed by the soothing touch of aloe? Our formula kills 99.9% of germs, in fact, which is Plague Slayer’s way of letting one survivor retreat to tell his tale.
You won’t have to worry about a tacky, overpowering fragrance while you’re deleting germ souls either, because our non-goopy, light blue gel is fragrance free. Plague Slayer may look like he smells like an after-hours Viking, but even his own body odor runs away in fear.
Most importantly, we are very proud to donate a portion of the profits from Plague Slayer hand sanitizer to the healthcare workers who are so bravely putting themselves to the hazard for all of us. We’re going to get through this together, so long as we genocidally murder every last germ. Now, to arms!